Better Move On

QUOTES

“It was not the thought that I was so unloved that froze me. I had taught myself to do without love.
It was not the thought that God was cruel that froze me. I had taught myself never to expect anything from Him.
What froze me was the fact that I had absolutely no reason to move in any direction. What had made me move through so many dead and pointless years was curiosity.
Now even that had flickered out.
How long I stood frozen there, I cannot say. If I was ever going to move again, someone else was going to have to furnish the reason for moving.
Somebody did.
A policeman watched me for a while, and then he came over to me, and he said, “You alright?”
Yes,” I said.
You’ve been standing here a long time,” he said.
I know,” I said.
You waiting for somebody?” he said.
No,” I said.
Better move on, don’t you think?” he said.
Yes, sir,” I said.
And I moved on.”

― Kurt Vonnegut, Mother Night

The Hermit

I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INTROVERTED.
“The Hermit,” friends have called me –
“Go on a date,”
“You need a pet,” they urge, to chase my inner hermit away. I have tended to fall injured to the insult, and so often ashamed, i have left the comforts of my room, my book, and cup of tea. But for the first time in a long time, i feel as though i am learning to find true comfort in being alone. Embracing my hermit spirit is a constant challenge, but i believe there is inherent value in learning to separate loneliness from solace.

To discover true isolation is to confront the absurd – as the existentialist would say – to accept and understand this irony: we must first find comfort in the idea that there is no one who shapes ourselves but ourselves, no one who watches out for us, who carves a path for us. When we confront this absurdity, this seemingly lonely idea, we can then realize the value of introspection and awareness, which allows us to reach towards personal achievement and growth, and then ultimately, share this love of ourselves with others.

So, I am seizing the days and nights to paint myself the person i want to be. I have been trying to spend some quality time with myself lately. I eat at restaurants, having a quiet meal for one. I go to the movies solo, having the popcorn all to myself. I take nature runs, and city walks, through places most people don’t have time to explore. I go out looking for a local show, even if my friends want to stay home. I stay at home and paint or read, even if my friends want to go out. I take off my headphones every once and a while, finding comfort in my own thoughts. I write in a journal, i write letters to never send, i write in a blog – pouring myself into it, knowing full well these little viewership stat bars might lay flat and empty forever. And in each of these little moments, i find slightly more understanding of myself and my values. I grow.

I wish i could say that independence and self-realization obliterate my desire to find a romantic connection. Still, sometimes in my dreams i am haunted by the idea of re-kindling relationships from my past. After one of these nightmares, i wake up violently cursing my sleepy moments of weakness. Sometimes tears of nostalgia or anger have to be shaken or rubbed away. When daylight finally floods my head, erasing my memory of the dream, i have to remind myself that this subconscious desire is not truly an absence of strength. This is part of the growing process. Even if it comes with growing pains, i don’t want to ever stop tending to this relationship with my inner hermit.

 

– with love, devonshire grace